Opinion | Sexual desire comes in two flavours: find yours and your partners, and follow our exper
There are two kinds of sexual desire – spontaneous and responsive – and both are totally normal. What’s abnormal is to expect anyone to sustain a heightened sex drive, with that level of passion and spontaneity, all the time.
Before talking about what to do if you and your partner are polar opposites in the sexual desire department, it’s worth taking time to examine the difference between spontaneous and responsive sexual desires.
“Spontaneous desire is our fundamental biological need to procreate. It is also what we call lust, chemistry, or ‘the spark’. Because it comes so naturally when we see someone we are attracted to, it is often interpreted as a signal that we are ‘in love’ with them,” says Valentina Tudose, a relationship expert and certified hypnotherapist.
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“Feeling desired by another person, seeing that look in their eyes, or having them whisper in our ear can be extremely erotic and cause an instant physical response.”
In comparison, responsive sexual desire is more of a journey, Tudose continues. “It happens when more aspects of connection are present. For the neurons responsible for creating arousal to fire up and lead our body down the path of a sexual response, more connections and associations need to be made in the brain.
“Anticipation of pleasure by remembering happy memories, the right environment, music, lighting, and the intimacy of the moment lead to a slower but equally powerful experience of desire.”
Tudose says in the early days of a relationship, when we are in the attraction phase, both partners tend to have a similar level of spontaneous desire because of the “chemistry of love”. This is the combination of sexual hormones, dopamine and oxytocin that keep us in a higher state of arousal.
But when we’ve been together for a while, the intensity of that “love cocktail” reduces dramatically. Other things get in the way and we are no longer “primed” for procreation at the drop of a hat, she adds.
And as men tend to be more visual than women, which means the male brain is designed to scan the environment and respond quickly to external stimuli due to the hunter instinct, they tend to feel arousal much faster, Tudose explains.
“That’s why sexy lingerie, sensual dancing, or a hint of flesh here and there are powerful triggers. The secret ingredient to desire is actually mystery.”
On whether spontaneous sexual desire can be “self-taught”, Tudose says: “As sexual arousal is the physical response to the anticipation of pleasure, training our brain to be primed for sex depends on the kind of thoughts we think.
“If you never think about sex, or your memories and judgment related to sex are unpleasant, the brain will label this experience as ‘undesirable’ and will avoid it at all costs by not producing sex hormones and putting barriers in the way of arousal.
“If you give yourself permission to enjoy sex and be present in your body when that happens, you’re allowing positive sexual energy to flow through your body. As a result, your brain will create a positive association between images of your partner and those pleasant sensations, making you want to repeat that experience more often.”
Neither type of sexual desire is good or bad, Tudose says it’s simply a matter of understanding that they are different and that they need to be given equal attention.
“Spontaneous desire is natural and comes easily, while responsive desire requires a more conscious approach. In relationships that progress beyond the lust phase, even partners who are more easily aroused can experience lower levels of desire sometimes.
“For example, if one partner always initiates but is not mindful that their sexual desire can be seen by the other partner as coming at the wrong time or being too frequent, it may lead to one partner feeling overwhelmed and the other feeling rejected.”
This could negatively impact the emotional state associated with sex. This is why expressing your feelings in a positive manner makes a huge difference.
“For responsive desire to happen, intimacy is needed first. This means a person needs to feel seen and heard, needs to be seduced and persuaded so that they feel safe to respond to an invitation for an even deeper level of connection. It’s about aligning partners on opposite ends of the spectrum, and allowing them to meet in the middle.”
Tudose offers some advice on how to use these two types of desire to our benefit.
If your partner is the spontaneous type, surprise them with triggers that have worked well in the past. For example, wearing sexy lingerie and high heels, or welcoming them home in their favourite outfit of yours are all great ideas of creating that moment of connection, she suggests.
If your partner needs to mentally build that anticipation, plan a sexy date night. “Discuss what would make it fun, what you want to experiment with, and what you’d both want to happen. It may help to go shopping together or surprise your partner with sexy photos of you trying something you’re planning to buy.
“Make a sexy playlist of all the songs you would want to play in the background or prepare a delicious dessert you can both enjoy in bed. It’s a bit like preparing for a party, only this one is private and special for just the two of you.”
And remember, no matter what type your desire is, it’s all about striking a balance.
“As well-known psychotherapist Esther Perel says, ‘Love needs to know everything about you. Desire needs mystery’. There is always a tension we experience in relationships between ‘safety and adventure’ and ‘the known and unknown’.
“Success means finding a balance that works for both of you. Spontaneous desire is for the adventurous; responsive desire is more for the stable. But since we all are a bit of both, we need to express what boundaries make us feel safe and the opportunities for new discoveries with our partner, and create space for desire to manifest in all its guises.”
Luisa Tam is a Post correspondent who also hosts Cantonese-language video tutorials that are now part of Cathay Pacific’s in-flight entertainment programme
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